singing* I Write Short Shorts!
by Nightheart
Summary: New Short..."Heero's Rather Unpleasant Surprise"
1. "The Mars Shuttle"

"I Write Short Shorts!"  
  
*singing* I write short shorts! She writes short shorts!   
  
Disclaimer: I do not now nor have I ever owned any part of Gundam Wing. Those Belong to Bandai and Sotsu Agency, the original writers, creators and their creative comsultants. I am making no money off this fic, so don't sue.  
  
This fic is made in collaboration with my freind Lilith-Chan. Drop on by and read her fics! You'll love 'em!  
  
On with the show!  
  
*********************************************  
  
A single lone shuttle was cruising through the inky blackness of space headed towards Mars to visit the Unified Council of Earth and Space. The interior was nothing but two rows of seats for the passengers and two chairs for the pilot and co-pilot.   
  
Quatre was strapped into the pilot's chair, Trowa sat beside him. The young winner lad had an objection to floating about so soon after eating. WuFei was perfectly content to sit there and read his book in silence, a book entitled "Two Hundred Ways to Visit Justice Upon Those Who Have No Integrity in a Most Violent and Satisfying Manner." Heero was typing away at his laptop, ignoring everybody as ususal probably playing chess again. Duo, however, was flaoting about the cabinet, mile-long braid streaming out behind him.  
  
"Heero, wha'cha typin'?" Duo asked, floating right by his head.  
  
"Leave me alone Duo," said Heero tonelessly.  
  
"Man, are we there yet?" Duo asked impatiently. He'd never been to Mars. And besides...Hilde was there in her new office.  
  
"No," said Heero flatly. Duo decided to have a litle fun with this.  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"   
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we-"  
  
~kla-chek!~ The sound of a gun saftey being clicked off and the clip being loaded resounded through out the cabin. Heero.  
  
Duo grinned. Heero wouldn't fire the thing in here. It would be suicide on his part and while Heero might not object to dying, might not even object to taking the others with him...he would object to dying accidentally as result of his own stupidity (it would reflect badly on him). A slug would make a hole in the shuttle hull. If it made a large enough hole, explosive decompression would ensue (not a pretty way to go).   
  
After another few moments of silence Duo decided it was getting pretty boring in there, and what did one do on road trips to alleviate boredom? Why, one sang road songs of course!  
  
Duo had a song stuck in his head and he could not get it out. It was driving him crazy! Well, misery loved company.   
  
"Hey guys, how 'bout a song?" he called out.  
  
"No." ((Guess who that come from!))  
  
"Aww come on! I'm a very /good/ singer!"  
  
"Duo, this is the kind of conversation that could only end in a gunshot."  
  
Heedlessly, Duo began to sing the most catchy tune he knew (sure to remain stuck in their heads for weeks!)  
  
(singing) "In the town where I was born.."  
  
Quatre joined in happily.  
  
"There was a maaaan who sailed the sea..."  
  
Trowa joined in also, with a small smile of amusement.  
  
"And he told me of his life...In the laaaand of submarines!"  
  
(chorus)   
  
"We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine. We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine."  
  
Heero and Wufei exchange a look of horror.  
  
(in unison)  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhrgh!"  
  
The last thing we see as we fade from the scene is the side of the shuttle. Two of the pilots are pressed against the portholes trying to claw their way out.  
  
End. 


	2. "Lightbulbs"

"I write Short Shorts!"  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, I also borrowed the dialouge from J.Micheal Strazynski's Babylon 5 movie Thirdspace to fit it into this fic. Consider it a cross over...sort of. Any lawyers looking for a lawsuit to file would have better luck chasing an ambulance!   
  
**************  
  
*singing* I write short shorts! She writes short shorts!  
  
Chibi Nightheart: Here we are, once again. Another short for your entertainment.   
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Yay! I get to make a cameo! Chibi's and chocolate for everyone!  
  
Chibi Nightheart: Hey, we're here to host a short, not hand out- oooh! Did you just say chocolate?  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: *nods* But none for you, you have work to do. And stay out of it, that's for the guests. *turns to audience* Anyone who reads the fic can help themselves to one of each.  
  
Chibi Nightheart: oh, I see how it is. *pouts*   
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Hey, you already had some, you got a candy cane and a chibi Duo in my last posting.  
  
Chibi Nightheart: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Okay then, I suppose it's all fair. Thanks to everyone who has reveiwed my fics and sent me emails. Oh, and StarLioness, you are more than welcome to help yourself to my song parodies.  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Let's start the fic already!   
  
Chibi Nightheart: Okay. Dim the lights and roll the opening credits.  
  
***********************************************  
  
The scene opens on a snow-filled street just after dusk. Tiny snowflakes drift from the sky and each house is lit from within by the warm glow of Chrismassy togetherness.   
  
A cheerfull, full-of-the-holiday-spirit team of carolers are making thier way from house to house, singing their Christmas cheer. Their problem is, they aren't particularly good at it and most of them singing so badly off key even the most polite cannot supress their winces. But still they continued, murdering Good King Wenselas and belieing the title silent night (we should all be so lucky.)  
  
Now on this particular street there was a house, just as brightly and cheerfully lit, just as full of music and laughter as all the others. The only reason it's being mentioned is that this house belongs to one Lucretzia Noin.  
  
Lucretzia had invited her best friend Sally Po over for a few drinks and some stories. They were doing the usual best girl-friend thing and consuming large amounts of sweets while simultaneously watching a movie and listening to the radio and talking with one another.  
  
Sally was describing the new additions to her automatic machine gun collection to an amused Lucretzia who was diligently trying to figure out a new hairstyle for Sally. The doorbell rang and they both got up to go see who it was.   
  
They were met by the sight of about fifteen people bundled up against the cold, crowding their doorway singing  
  
"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a meery Christmas, and a happy new year!"  
  
Upon being faced with the onslaught of fifteen badly off-key carolers detirmined to shove holiday cheer down their throats whether they wanted it or not, Noin and Sally exchanged a look of horror. They knew from personal experience that the carolers were going to be there for another ten minutes at least singing bad enough to make the dog howl.  
  
By the time the first song had finished, images of large fruitcakes from whatever dimension of Hell it was that they emerged from around the holiday armageddon falling onto the mass of chipper, grating-like- nails-on-a-chalkboard collection of (dare we call them) singers, danced in her head. They took the fact that she was smiling at the image as a sign of her approval, and continued, upping the amount of hail-fellow-and-well-met glee in their songs by increasing the volume.  
  
After the third song Noin muttered to Sally  
  
"Do you think anyone would notice if I killed a few of them?"  
  
Sally paused to consider before murmuring back  
  
"Well, that depends. How many?"  
  
"Oh, I dunno...Ten?" she said hopefully.  
  
"Oh yeah, they'd notice," Sally assured her, nodding her head.  
  
Lucretzia reconsidered.  
  
"Six?" she said expectantly.  
  
A slow grin spread across Sally's face.  
  
"Go for it."  
  
Before Noin could reply a limo pulled up painted a lovely silvery-white and deposited one Relena Peacecraft with an armful of presents. The limo repainting had been Noin's Christmas gift to someone she considered the younger sister she'd never had after having to listen to one too many rants on the subject of how Relena was not a real big fan of pink.  
  
Grinning, Noin pointed and said  
  
"Hey look! There's Relena Peacecraft!"  
  
The carolers all turned as one and with a maniacal gleam of holiday cheer-spreading in their eyes advanced on their new target. Relena backed away, very slowly trying not to make eye contact with them for they saw that as a sign of encouragement. When they started with their loud cat-in-heat caroling Relena shook her fist could be heard to yell  
  
"Damn you Noiiin!"  
  
Fade Out.  
  
End.  
  
*****************  
  
Chibi Nightheart: Well cue the theme song and roll the credits!  
  
Chibi Relena: I hope you die. I hope you die a slow, lingering and painful death.  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: *snickers* I thought you liked Relena.  
  
Chibi Nightheart: I do. However, the scene just wrote itself. Like on Babylon 5 anything can happen to anybody, at any time. (shameless B5 plug) The charactors I had picked out for them just fit do well with this dialougue. Noin as commander Ivanova, Sally as Doctor Frnklin. Perfect. Okay. You can all go back to your homes, there's nothing more to see. 


	3. "Carolers"

*singing* "I Write Short Shorts"  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. It's not mine...I say this now so that any bloodthirsty layer looking for a lawsuit can't sue me. Go chase and ambulance or something!  
  
Chibi Nightheart: *singing* I write short shorts! She writes short shorts!  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Oh, will you stop it all ready?! And what the heck took you so long?! You haven't posted a new story in weeks!!  
  
Chibi Nightheart: Well it wasn't my fault! My computer is acting up and it won't let me stay on the internet long enough to post anything! I do however have lots of first parts to post. I'll get them up as soon as humanly possible, actually as soon as computerly possible! *laughs*  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: *rolls eyes* Oy! Why me?  
  
Chibi Nightheart: I've got an upcoming two-part New Years fic called "Midnight Kiss" on the way. It will be HYRP. I've also got a the first part in my story "A Day in the Strife" almost comepletely transcribed to computer-  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Are you certain that it will fit? It is a pretty long story...  
  
Chibi Nightheart: That's why I'm breaking it up into parts. The first part should be ready for posting...sometime in January. I also started a new series called "A Distant Star" and-  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: *gasps!* You started a new series and you didn't tell me about it?! *sniffles*  
  
Chibi Nightheart: I thought it up over break! Sorry. Here, have a chibi of Wufei.  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Why would I want him? I don't even really like him that much...  
  
Chibi Nightheart: *smiles cheerfully* You can burn him in effigy!  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan: Cool.  
  
Muse: Hey you two! Enough talking! Let's get this fic started already!  
  
Chibi Lilith-chan and Chibi Nightheart: *contrite* Okay.  
  
****************************************  
This Short addresses the age-old question "what would the gundam cast say in answer to lightbulb jokes?" Let's find out.  
  
Author: "How many Gundam Pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"  
Heero Yuy: *hauls out gun* "I will eliminate all lightbulbs." *tries to shoot lightbulb but can't* "What's wrong with me?!"  
Author: *sweatdrops* *sneaks away*  
  
Author: "How many Gundam Pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"  
Duo Maxwell: "I, the indestructable Shinigami shall change this lightbulb!" *Takes out lightbulb and accidentally shocks himself with the lightsocket* *hair poofs out into a 'fro taller than he is* "Aiiieee!! My hair! How will I ever get it back in my braid now?!?!"  
  
Author: "How many gundam Pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"  
Trowa Barton: "..."  
Author: Ummm...Hello? Trowa? Oh forget it. *walks off*  
  
Author:"How many Gundam Pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"  
Quatre Raberba Winner: "I'll be more than happy to help you change that light bulb-  
Maguanac Corps: No Master Quatre! It's too dangerous, you should not be taking such risks. Let us do this for you instead Master Quatre.  
Quatre: Ummm, okay. If you guys really want to, thanks.   
Rachiid: Allow me to bring you some tea to refresh you after your exerting offer of assistance.  
Quatre: That's really not-  
Rachiid: Come men, we must not rest until we have changed this bulb for master Quatre.  
Quatre: Gee, now isn't that nice of them.  
*in the bachground the magaunac corps are fighting over the privilage being the one to change the lightbulb for Master Quatre.*  
  
Author:"How many Gundam Pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"  
Wufei Chang: The lightbulb is weak! Weak! If it were full of integrity and justice, it would have been able to stay lit! It is a weak bulb and Chang Wufei does not change weak lightbulbs!"  
Author: *sweatdrops*  
  
Author: "How many Pacifists does it take to change a lightbulb?"  
Relena Peacecraft: "I don't know myself, but I'm certain I can find out for you...Pagan, please put that on my agenda for today, I think it will fit right in between the Summit Peace talks and that treaty with the neighboring Kingdom."  
Author: Ummm, it was a joke.  
Relena Peacecraft: Oh. Right. So, how many pacifists /does/ it take to screw in a lightbulb?   
Author: No one knows. Their kingdoms always fall before they can finish the job. *starts laughing*  
Relena Peacecraft: *sweatdrops* Ummm, better not let my brother hear you say that. He's kinda touchy about that sort of thing.  
  
Author: How many Gundam pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Howard: Well me and my technitions can have that bulb changed for you in a jiffy. That might be why I can never seem to see anything around here.  
Author: Or it might be the sunglasses...  
  
Author: How many Gundam pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Mariemaia Kushrenada: I will not tolerate your disrespectful words. Troops! Destroy her! And bring me another pair of knee-high socks!  
Author: Aiiee! Run away! Run away! *runs for it*  
  
Author: How many Preventors does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Zechs: What better to put out fires than Wind?  
Author: But doesn't wind, oh I dunno, make fires bigger?  
Zechs: Could be. *sweatdrops*  
  
Author: How many Preventors does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Sally Po: *grins* It depends, the Preventors hire incompetent electricians to change the lightbulbs.  
  
Author: How many Treize Faction soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Noin: Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to go look up how Master Treize did it.  
  
Author: How many Preventors does it take to change a lightbulb?   
Lady Une: None, the President doesn't give us enough funding to change the lightbulbs. Damned Beuracracy, it's enough to split my personalities again!  
  
Author: How many circus clowns does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Catherine: Seven, and they all have to climb into that tiny car. And then I get to throw knives at them while they change the bulb, great entertainment huh?  
Author: Works for me.  
  
Author: How many ex-OZ soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Hilde: I must get this lightbulb to the people on board the Peacemillion! I'm ready to die at any time to protect the colonies!  
  
Author: How many Romafeller yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Dorothy: *gets psychotic war gleam in her eye* I'm sure all of the people attemting to change the lightbulb will be remembered as noble sacrifices to our cause. *clasps hands* Oh, it will be beautiful!  
Author: *shudders*  
  
Author: How many OZ soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb?  
OZ soldier: At least 23. One to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder,three to stand around giving useless advice, two supervisors,   
one manager, three security personel waving their arms, intoning "keep moving, keep moving", two accountants and and a minimum of 10 rubberneckers.  



	4. Heero's Rather Unpleasant Surprise

Chibi Nightheart: Hi, it's been a while since I wrote a short ****

Chibi Nightheart: Hi, it's been a while since I wrote a short.

Chibi Sainlor Lilith-Chan: I'll say, and with all these wonderful ideas I've been throwing at you…

Chibi Nightheart: That you have, but this one's going to be one of my own. I've been toying with the idea for a while.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: You mean it isn't one of mine? What a gyp!

Chibi Nightheart: I promise, I'll write that one you suggested for you soon.

Chbi Lil-Chan: And where are those descriptions for chapter three of the evangelion crossover?

Chibi Nightheart: Hey, talk to my muse about that one.

Muse: Oh, suuure, blame it on the muse. She can't even defend herself! And by the way you two, are you going to get on with this fic or am I going to have to start making abandonment threats?

Chibi Nightheart: Okay, Okay…consider the introduction over with! And without further ado, I present "Heero's Rather Unpleasant Surprise."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Heero looked up at the balcony that led to Relena Peacecraft Darlian's private bedchambers. 

My angel. How I have missed you, he thought, gazing longingly up at the darkened window where the princess slept chastely inside.

Heero climbed the rose covered trellis up to the balcony, intent on his mission. He vaulted over the marble banister and landed without a sound. He tried the double French doors but they were locked. Nothing daunted, Heero expertly picked the lock and let himself into Relena's inner sanctum. 

He surveyed the rooms about him, quiet cozy…he would have to have her get rid of the ruffly pillows, but all in all it looked comfortable. 

There.

She lay sleeping peacefully in her bed, her face untroubled by dark dreams. His angel. Heero eyed her sleeping form with a sort of proprietary possessiveness. He had, of course, made sure that Relena remained unclaimed by anyone else until such a time as he was ready to come back to her. A few well placed threats, a glare, a tiny bomb if the suitor was particularly tenacious, and Relena was kept free.

Her bed lay in a shadowed corner of the room so he could not see her beautiful sleeping face himself yet…

**Grrrrrrrr**

"?" he said aloud. That noise didn't belong there. The low pitched growl of an animal rose from where Relena slept. Two eyes glowed out from the shadows, glinting in the darkness with silent threat.

**Grrrrr**

Relena stirred from where she slept. Heero distinctly heard her sweet voice sigh contentedly with the sound of rustling bedsheets. He heared a long intake of breath as Relena awoke from her slumber.

"Relena," he murmured. Advancing to where she lay he reached out a hand as if to touch her cheek and said "I'm here. I've come for you."

She looked up at him with sleep fogged eyes, her golder locks tumbling messily down her back. Suddenly her eyes widened. Heero was prepared to catch her when she threw himself in his arms.

"AHHHHHHHH!! HENTAI!!!!" she screamed. Something launched itself at Heero alright…but it definitely wasn't Relena.

Heero found himself fending off the snapping jaws and ivory fangs of a purebred Rotwieler! How cute, Relena got herself a little dog.

"Help! Intruder! Pagan! Milliardo! Help!"

Relena's cries were unnecessary, Fido was doing quite an admirable job of defending her as it was. Heero managed to get the trained police dog off him, he had had some training in that after all, and headed back to the balcony launching himself back to the ground. The last thing he heard Relena say was

"Pagan! Release the hounds."

Oh shit!


	5. MST of Heeros Rather Unpleasant Surprise

Chibi Nightheart: Hi, it's been a while since I wrote a short ****

Chibi Nightheart: Hi, it's been a while since I wrote a short.

Chibi Sainlor Lilith-Chan: I'll say, and with all these wonderful ideas I've been throwing at you…

Chibi Nightheart: That you have, but this one's going to be one of my own. I've been toying with the idea for a while.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: You mean it isn't one of mine? What a gyp!

Chibi Nightheart: I promise, I'll write that one you suggested for you soon.

Chbi Lil-Chan: And where are those descriptions for chapter three of the evangelion crossover?

Chibi Nightheart: Hey, talk to my muse about that one.

Muse: Oh, suuure, blame it on the muse. She can't even defend herself! And by the way you two, are you going to get on with this fic or am I going to have to start making abandonment threats?

Chibi Nightheart: Okay, Okay…consider the introduction over with! And without further ado, I present "Heero's Rather Unpleasant Surprise."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Heero looked up at the balcony that led to Relena Peacecraft Darlian's private bedchambers. 

My angel. How I have missed you, he thought, gazing longingly up at the darkened window where the princess slept chastely inside.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: Did you make it this cheesy on purpose? Chibi Nightheart: As a matter of fact yes. 

Heero climbed the rose covered trellis up to the balcony, intent on his mission. 

Chibi Nightheart: But just as he was about to reach the top, the trellis gave way causing Heero to fall and break his neck, putting a rather large crimp in his plans for seduction and plundering. 

He vaulted over the marble banister and landed without a sound. He tried the double French doors but they were locked.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: He breifly considered simply breaking the window and unlocking the door but he figured why add breaking to the list of crimes he'd already perpetrated that night including trespassing, unlawful entry and bad taste in clothing. ****

Chibi Nightheart: Umm, bad fashion sense isn't a crime.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: Well it ought to be!

Nothing daunted, Heero expertly picked the lock and let himself into Relena's inner sanctum. 

He surveyed the rooms about him, quiet cozy…he would have to have her get rid of the ruffly pillows, but all in all it looked comfortable.

Chibi Nightheart: Sheesh, the nerve of this guy! First he just walks into her house and now he's looking around deciding where he's going to hang his gun and spandex collection! Is anyone else besides me bothered by this? 

There.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: Where? 

She lay sleeping peacefully in her bed, her face untroubled by dark dreams. His angel. 

****

Chibi Nightheart: **singing** You are my angel…

Chibi Lilith-Chan: **warning glare** Don't. Just don't.

Heero eyed her sleeping form with a sort of proprietary possessiveness. He had, of course, made sure that Relena remained unclaimed by anyone else until such a time as he was ready to come back to her. A few well placed threats, a glare, a tiny bomb if the suitor was particularly tenacious, and Relena was kept free.

****

Chibi Nightheart: Well, major virtual sweatdropping going on here.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: You know, I wouldn't put it past him to do exactly that.

Chibi Nightheart: Me niether, that's what makes it so scary.

Her bed lay in a shadowed corner of the room so he could not see her beautiful sleeping face himself yet…

**Grrrrrrrr**

"?" he said aloud. That noise didn't belong there. The low pitched growl of an animal rose from where Relena slept. Two eyes glowed out from the shadows, glinting in the darkness with silent threat.

Chibi Lilith-Chan: (as Heero) Damn Relena, what the Hell happened to you? You look…different. 

**Grrrrr**

Chibi Nightheart: (as Heero) and I mean that in the best possible way. Really. 

Relena stirred from where she slept. Heero distinctly heard her sweet voice sigh contentedly with the sound of rustling bedsheets. He heard a long intake of breath as Relena awoke from her slumber.

"Relena," he murmured. Advancing to where she lay he reached out a hand as if to touch her cheek and said "I'm here. I've come for you."

Chibi Lilith-Chan: (does Dracula impression) I von't to suck your blhud.. ah ah ah! 

She looked up at him with sleep fogged eyes, her golden locks tumbling messily down her back. Suddenly her eyes widened. Heero was prepared to catch her when she threw himself in his arms.

Chibi Nightheart: (Does moon-eyed look) Oh Heero, you really did come back for me! Come. Let me throw myself at you! 

"AHHHHHHHH!! HENTAI!!!!" she screamed. Something launched itself at Heero alright…but it definitely wasn't Relena.

Heero found himself fending off the snapping jaws and ivory fangs of a purebred Rotwieler! How cute, Relena got herself a little dog.

"Help! Intruder! Pagan! Milliardo! Help!"

Chibi Lilith Chan: Suddenly the door burst open to reveal her butler and her elder brother armed to the teeth and looking for blood! Heero is proptly dragged out to the street and summarily executed for attempting to despoil the Royal Virgin. His body is subsequently hacked into tiny pieces and fed to Relena's pet rotweiler. And the peasants rejoiced. The end. 

Relena's cries were unnecessary, Fido was doing quite an admirable job of defending her as it was. Heero managed to get the trained police dog off him, he had had some training in that after all, and headed back to the balcony launching himself back to the ground. The last thing he heard Relena say was

"Pagan! Release the hounds."

Chibi Nightheart: (a-la Mr. Burns) Smithers, release the hounds! 

Oh shit!

Chibi Lilith-Chan: Damn, look at 'im go! He's hauling ass quicker than Chippy the squirrel on coffee beans being chased by Mr. Kitty! 


End file.
